One night, I was reviewing my editorial portfolio with a friend and I shared a hidden section of my site that contains a gallery of male fine art nudes. It’s some of my favorite work, but I’ve always been too embarrassed to share publicly. Or perhaps I was ashamed.

Until recently, I was ashamed to express my desires. They were labeled as “lustful” and “abominable” in the Christian church I grew up in. So, I took the photos in secret and presented only clean, “holy” images on Instagram. I kept a safe distance between my public image and my private desires, or so I thought.

In the photos below, I used a camera to keep a distance between myself and the openly gay models in front of my lens. They were the objects of my desire, while also portraying the person I wished I could freely be. Yet, I always captured the subjects in my nude photos engulfed in shadows. It feels closeted because I was when I took these pictures.

Sure, my parents knew. My sisters knew. My friends knew. But not my church, and I never explicitly stated it on my social media platforms. My public image and perception of myself was closeted and it affected my art. I still struggle to call myself gay in public because I worry someone might overhear. I consistently say sexuality is a spectrum and I could fluctuate at any moment. But that’s not the truth of how I feel.

I had previously tried to find a way to share my more revealing images. I considered an OnlyFans page like other gay photographers I knew. I could use a pseudonym. But, those options feel like another version of hiding. I hope that by viewing these images from my unfolding perspective and perspective of myself, viewers see a deeper story of beauty, admiration, desire, and envy.

This collection of images show a man who was scared to live his life in front of the camera; a man who photographed proud, openly gay men instead of becoming one himself. A man who hid behind the lens so that he could hide his desire. A man who could only connect with men he loved in the context of art, not openly in his own life. He longs to be seen, heard, and loved.

I want to thank all the men who created these beautiful images with me. I thank them for showing me who they are and for graciously giving their time, body, and energy. They shared their soul, vulnerability, and revealed a form of self-love I am still in pursuit of by sharing my unfolding perspective with you, today.

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